Tesla Model 3 — Car Wash Mode Needed
I wrote this only a week after I picked up my newest toy, the Tesla Model 3. It has been over a month since then. My humiliation has diminished a bit. But I’ll start at the beginning.
I usually do not wash my cars by hand, or by automatic car washes (touchless or not). But that’s because I am cheap and lazy. Indeed, my working hypothesis relating to washing cars is that it removes the protective layers of tar, bugs, grease, and salt. But now I have a nice car. Apparently nice cars should be washed.
But I am still cheap, but now live in a place that does not have a hose. These places are known as “apartment buildings”, which I suspect most Tesla owners don’t know much about. What’s a boy to do?
Hoseless, I took my new Tesla Model 3 to the automatic car wash yesterday.
I have never been more ashamed.
As I drove up to align a wheel in the track, the attendant said “Put it in neutral.” I flicked the stem up. And down. And up and down. The car would not go in neutral. Cars behind me were impatient.
I was mortified. Several more tries and I was beaten.
I had to (…wait for it…) back out of the carwash track, pull my car over to the Idiot’s Alley, and read the manual. I had already read the manual, end to end. Several times. But that’s a different mental defect I am working on. This post discusses the mental defect of being ashamed and embarrassed by not knowing how to drive my nice car.
I opened the manual by selecting Controls > Service > Owner’s Manual on the touchscreen and navigating to Gears > Neutral. Yes, the manual is a web page displayed on the screen. No trees killed. Automatic updates as new features are added.
I read the section on changing gears. And then again. After multiple attempts to follow the instructions I came to understand: There’s a gentle click about half-way, which appears to be what “first position” means. After several further attempts, I mastered the Art of Getting A Model 3 Tesla Into Neutral. While it was shameful that it took me 8 minutes, I had a new skill. I felt renewed confidence.
I screwed up my courage and entered the car wash again. The attendant was waiting, and chuckling. At me.
I re-entered the metal tracks. The unexpected power of the Model 3 caused me to go faster than the attendant felt was appropriate. (To be fair, I had demonstrated that I was a man who did not know how to shift his vehicle. Was I a man at all?) He bemusedly rolled his eyes, and said, “Look guy, just take it easy, alright?” He reinforced with a hand-signal. Thank God he didn’t call me “mister.” I would have lost it, then and there.
The car, wheels now disengaged from their normal drivetrain, and engaged in the car wash trolley shuddered towards the gaping maw of the beast.
That is when I saw the sign.
It read: “Owner responsible for damage if mirrors not retracted.” I realized I also did not know how to retract my mirrors. I spent a few moments futzing with the display to see if I could figure that out before it was too late, as it was now clear: the hula-washers were approaching.
Prior to writing this in-depth article, I did not know that the heavy cloth things that dance sexily over your car were called “mitters”. Then I read this excellent article. Still, I prefer to think of them as hula-washers as I feel this is a more evocative description.
The next part of the wash should be called grass-skirt-swirlers?
It was the hula-washers, heavy, threatening, and ponderous that I worried about. Would my unfolded mirrors make it? It turns out I had a far more urgent priority than folding my mirrors.
My windshield wipers turned on — automatically! Model 3 wipers sense rain and turn on automatically. No, really. The automatic windshield wiper mode is quite cool, but still in beta test. For those not in software, “beta test” means that the feature is still being verified and may not function as expected (damage is not covered by warranty.)
The windshield wipers are wispy. The hula-washers are weighty. It’s really not a fair fight. As more water poured down, the auto-wiping feature wiped harder and faster. It was a battle to the death. Could I stop it?
The trolley dragged us inexorably forward.
I touched the screen. I remembered where this (beta) feature lives now. I can turn off my wipers before they are ripped, limb-from-limb from the car. I can do this. Tense moments of wiping and hula-washing continued. Then…
The wiping stopped.
By this time, both the wispy wipers, and the side mirrors had each fought and lived to see another day. They had survived the hula-washers and the grass-skirt-swirlers. The rest was easy. The torrential-rains then gale-force-blowers seemed would be child’s play for my aerodynamic Tesla Model 3.
I had a brief and final moment of panic as I was absolutely unsure at what point I was expected to engage drive gear. (This has been true in all 7 times in my life using automatic car washes.) But I risked it, and managed to escape.
I skulked out of the parking lot, rattled but unharmed. I turned left out of the lot … instead of right. I refused to turn around in sight of the sniggering attendant and took the long way home.
Later, I wondered if others had discussed this problem. I went to the official Tesla Forums for owners. Nothing. Apparently they all hand-wash or use touchless car washes.
However, I did find several things in the Tesla Model 3 manual:
Caution: If washing in an automatic car wash, use Touchless car washes only. These car washes have no parts (brushes, etc.) that touch the surfaces of Model 3. Using any other type of car wash could cause damage that is not covered by the warranty.
Caution: Ensure the wipers are off before washing Model 3 to avoid the risk of damaging the wipers.
What, no mention of how to get into neutral? What a farce.
My recommendation for Tesla is one of two options:
- Create a “car wash” mode that sets the car in a proper gear, and folds the mirrors, and disengages wipers. Or,
- Create a “car wash” feature embedded in auto-pilot that detects non-Touchless car washes and displays a suitable message such as “Warning, you may lose your manhood by continuing.”
